Broken

Broken-violently separated into parts

2:Damaged or altered by or as if by breaking such as having undergone or been subjected to fracture.

3:Not working properly

Broken things are my livelihood. Everything breaks. I used to pretend I couldn’t be broken. Not that I didn’t feel.  I knew at an early age that I could feel and it was to strong and it was scary, so I harded my exterior. I didn’t want to feel sadness, I didn’t want to cry. I’m a man we can’t cry and as soon as I let myself be emotional I’m open for attack. I didn’t want to break. Well I broke I broke hard. My heart, my life, your worst fears come true some times just by worrying about them. Butterfly effect. Try and change something that was always meant to happen just makes things worse. I’m ok with breaking. I’m in the rebuilding stage of my life right now. Bigger and better. So far so good with the lady, the firehouse and my health. Being a mechanic I know that before things totally break there are usually signs that they will and we do preventative maintenance to make sure things keep working. We could all use a little preventative maintenance in our lives. It’s always easier to fix something that hasn’t gone to complete shit. Now That’s not me saying that you can’t fix shit once its fubar, it just takes more time. At work I try and fix things. I need to pay attention to my home life and do regular maintenance on my personal life.

I’ve had a long week so far today is my 5th day at work. Everyday I get a headache now not sure why. A few nights I’ve had night sweats not sure why.Yesterday I worked 6 hours and then 8h at the fire department. I have 2 more days of 12h shifts and then the glorious weekend. I can’t wait for the weekend. I’ve been driving all over the place. Barely have enough time to workout pay attention to the girl and keep my sanity. Today is a good day though. I’m gonna leave work at noon get a haircut maybe hit the gym hot tub. I can say this I’d rather spend my time at the fire house than at the chemical factory.  One day I hope to. Don’t be afraid to be weak, to need help,to cry to rebuild, to live, to feel and to love. Everything breaks most things with time and care can work again. I hope you find the time to put care into something. If we aren’t changing we’re dying. I love so hard now it physically hurts in a good way though if you could imagine. Planning a vacation to somewhere warm. Vacation is a wonderful relaxed time where all your cares and problems go away for a week. I wonder if that’s how celebrities feel all the time. After a week of that I can’t take the food and the sun anymore though. A balanced happy life is the best we should hope for. Nobody is perfect if they say they are. They are liars. Be good to each other. Sometimes what you get is what you need and what you want.

As always I love you if you read or don’t. Things break and usually when fixed they work better then before.

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