home (the 1) part 4

downloadAfter we looked at like 30 homes we found the 1. She loved the bathroom and closet and I had a wall for the 80 inch tv I wanted. it was a little pricey. I could still afford it and I only wanted to give her what she wanted so I went all in with the stipulation of 6 months till closing so I could pay off the unnecessarily expensive ring I bought her, which is 1 of my many problems  I always over do it. I always told myself when I was young that I would spoil any girl I was with when I grew up. Probably stems from my childhood. My mom didn’t get the nicest things, I didn’t get the nicest things I wanted more for my partner and myself. Since we’re talking about my flaws here’s another one I keep most people at arms length not sure where I got that or when I started it. Probably stems from my childhood I’ve seen my parents be burned by so many people there are good people but I seen my share of bad. Another 1 is I had little to no empathy not that I was a mean person. I just couldn’t relate to most peoples problems. My life was great compared to my childhood. I had a home, a great job, a wife, a dog ,anything I wanted to buy I did, anything I wanted to do I did and most important love. Still had to worry about my parents tried not to because we all tried to help them and they didn’t want our help so what can you do. anyways that was a long sidebar back to the home. early May I moved in and October we got married and she moved in. The wedding was great. We danced drank and I talked to every person there. My closest friends were standing by when I took a sold oath that I took seriously. When I write all this know that I regret nothing. I’m letting my thoughts out in hopes to never think on them again. So the 2 people that I let get as close to me as anyone every would my wife and best man. both failed me. trust will more than likely be a problem for me forever now. I’m not here to bash either of them. I didn’t deserve what they did to me. But I can’t blame him for wanting what I had. I can blame him for smiling to my face while he hit on my girl for years. I can’t blame her for falling for it. I can blame her for thinking I needed someone like him in my life. I wasn’t the easiest person to live with my lack of empathy for what I saw as trivial problems was a big 1 I’m sure. I said things I didn’t mean and never came back from there. Another thing I never wanted to do was fight no matter what. I see now that that was a problem. There is never a reason for anyone to do what was done to me but It takes 2 to make a marriage. In lighter news I have more empathy now and I try and treat everyone as if its my last day on this planet.

I’m skipping over quite a bit which I may dive into at some point and out of the five years I was married I had a great time. Do I miss what I had absolutely. Did I want more Absolutely. I wish more than anything in this world that I had a beautiful 4 year old blonde haired, blue eyed, little girl right now with her mothers curls and sass. but some things just aren’t meant to be. I wish for this regardless of how it all ended. For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be the best possible dad I could be. Now it’s just another dream I can’t remember.

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