2 smart kids ( the 1) part 5

I will say the whole situation caught me off guard. I was actually blinded by my love. I had blind trust. That’s not me saying it was always great between us. but she was it. For better or worse meant for better or worse in my eyes. Even when it ended I wanted to try and give it my all despite what was done to me, which surprised me. I got so caught up in the plan that I lost track of the now. Funny thing is I was just starting to double down on our relationship. Got a gym membership was searching the internet for new fun things to do as couples. dance class,cooking class etc. Asking the internet things I could do for or with my wife to strengthen our relationship. As I was doubling down she was folding. Its tough because we we’re stuck in this routine. I always felt like less than. She was super smart and I was a jock. Problem is I was a jock without a sport. I tried to take interest in her things and I actually did. Fell in love with broadway over the last year. Tried to take an interest in economics so we could talk about that. I tried to cook more and succeeded at that. I feel like she didn’t care and I feel like she never tried to take an interest in any of my interest.

We were to smart, we did to much right. got married, got house had good jobs. no early pregnancy. very little debt. I guess I pressured her to get married. I just knew what I wanted I thought she wanted the same. She did say yes after all. While She was getting her bachelors degree. I was terrified  she would find someone smarter, funnier, handsomer while in school and some how I dodged that bullet and then she got an ok job. she was meant for more and I tried to tell her to get a new job for years. Finally she decided to get out of that job where they walked all over her and go back to school. Of course a masters degree would set back things like kids, I’d have to pay all the bills and I’d get to be terrified of losing her again (which I did) she’d come out of it even more out of my league. I wanted to be supportive and I tried but when she came to me with problems from school and how hard it was. I just couldn’t with the stress of the bills and the worries of her being gone all the time. The delay of having kids. Worries about my parents.  I lost her I wasn’t supportive enough but I was barely hanging on. I started drinking to much with my best man. Not spending enough time alone with my wife and pretended like things were great. I miss the days and I can remember the times exactly when I was the only person who could calm her down. I miss her trying to get me to do things I didn’t want to do. When she graduated I thought finally we can get back to us. But that was just 6 months before the end. I guess unconditional love is outdated and stupid and I’m just the poor sap who dared to believe in it. Its just for babies and mothers I guess.

Needless to say 2017 was the worst year on record for me. I will most likely write more about it. I just wish I could’ve done more sooner. Realized what was happening.After 12 years I wish I was worth more to her. It feels like there is literally a piece of me missing. I can only sleep on 1 side of the bed. I can’t watch certain things. listen to certain songs. I hate that she has that much control over my life. I’m trying to overcome it. She’s all over my family photos. I have no one I can talk to about this stuff. I cry for no reason at the stupidest things. like we had our own hand shake if I see people with secret handshakes I die a little inside. I can’t see people in love. Can’t see kids. Freaking plastic straws kill me. I don’t know there’s to many things I could go on but that will kill me to. That’s why I just need to get out of this house fresh start. Learn and live.

 

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