Little to no fear

How I felt at the start of this post

Fear -An unpleasant feeling triggered by the perception of danger, real or imagined

Good morning, good afternoon and goodnight. So to start it’s been an emotional day for me. Don’t know why don’t really need a reason to cry these days. I’ve been strong lately hence the lack of post. I get the urge to write when I’m feeling down.

So the title of this post comes from 1 of my famous sayings among my friends and family. It’s only partly true. I don’t fear doing crazy things like jumping off a bridge into water or out of a plane etc… I’ve always loved that kinda stuff.
The fear I hide/hold inside of me is the fear of failure and I failed at the biggest most important thing in my life my marriage. I don’t think I have or would let the fear of failure keep me from doing something though, it may have in the past. I’m also afraid I found my true love and let her go. 1 and done. It is what it is. I know she was my true love. I loved her the first day of school when I saw her in her good charlotte hoodie. I think about what parents say that you should date around. Not just find your love in highschool and that’s it. Sometimes I think if I had a kid in highschool I’d tell him or her not to get married young but then I think I wouldn’t change my mistakes for anything. I’m sorry I need a moment.

It was a beautiful mistake.I got to spend 11 years with my best friend/the love of my life. Some people never find the love of their life or they spend very little time with them. I’m lucky.
So when I have kids I will thell them to follow their heart no matter what.

I wish what my x thought about me was true. That I’m a sociopathy with no feelings and no empathy. Its not that I didn’t have feelings or empathy. It’s that I had fear that people wouldn’t except me or like me for having them. I put on a strong face. I feel deeply. I don’t really wish to be a sociopathy. I just want the hurt to be gone. Staying strong is hard but it’s the only choice I have. I’m afraid of hurting others like I hurt her or like she hurt me. I’m afraid I’ll sell my house move and change jobs and this pain will never leave and I’ll never be stable again. I was happy I sat in my back yard many times with many friends and just looked at what I did to get where I was.

How I felt at the end.

Anyways it’s a new day I’m off tomorrow I’m going to hungry rock aka starved rock with a friend and we are going to enjoy this beautiful weather and life I’ll probably walk more miles tomorrow then I ever have I’m sure I’ll throw some pics of it on instagram. It’s supposed to be beautiful there. last night was great I went to a Vietnamese restaurant with my best friend and his wife they are great and I love them dearly and I will love their kid when her or she gets here fingers crossed. Tonight is a free for all no idea what I’m doing but I’ll figure it out. I was starting to get overwhelmed with life again it makes sense today is my 7th 12 hour shift in a row at work. I bought myself another watch I may have a problem. I’m sad today but tomorrow is a new day. I hope to be happy tomorrow. Life is what we make of it I’ve had an interesting and great life. my story isn’t done I’ve got pages yet to turn.

My love as always to those that read my post and those that don’t.

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