Take it all back.

WARNING!!! What you about to read I’m not particularly proud of. Lets start it off with I broke it off with a girl. I’m almost out of this state and I didn’t want to waste anymore of her time. She was more of a friend and I never lied to her but she caught the feelings and I don’t think I even can, largely because someone else still holds the keys to my heart. I seen some of the pain that I felt in this girls face. she’ll get over it its only been like 2 months. 11 years is way harder. I just feel like a cold heartless ass even though I know I’m not.

I tell myself that I’m over my x everyday maybe one day I’ll believe it.
Let me tell you what I’m not proud of over the past 4 months I’ve gone to woodfield mall more times than I can count. now You’re think why is that bad. Well my x works real close to there. I dressed nice wrote speeches. I’ve been that close to trying to get her back and make a fool of myself. What has stopped me everytime is the fear that if she says no then thats really it. If I never try Theres always a chance and I want to live in a World where theres always a chance for me to be with my true love. I can’t live in the other world. I wrote her a letter everyday for 3 months straight and at the end of every week I would take them and burn them. One time in a big moment of weakness I ordered her flowers I ended up having to intercept the florist and call it off still had to pay for flowers.

I had/ having a hard time with this. Today While I was mowing I seen the Frame of our weeding pic in the fire pit which I told my parents I was going to burn. But I could never bring myself to do. So when I seen it in the pit burnt I lost My shit Our wedding was such a great day and it was a beautiful pic. Later found out my mom cut the picture out and burnt the frame I guess I’m not the only one holding on to something.

I’m Leaving soon and maybe the distance will help me lose her from my heart.
Gas is expensive and these drives to the mall are killing me. I know I’m weak stupid etc…

Our love was everything for me for so long. I was a kid when We met I was a kid when she left I’d like to think I’m at least a late teen now. No jokes aside I’ve grown a lot over 6 months. Our love my life for that matter was a fairy tale. Fuck who finds their person at 16. I know I did and there isn’t a thing she could do to change that for me. I’m not saying it was all roses and ice cream in fact it was a lot more steak and tacos. I fucked it all up I didn’t see it and then it was to late. I’m so happy to of known her she made my childhood and I always wanted to be dancing with her at 90. I fucked up and let outside influences bills, work , people get in between me, her and the dance floor.
I thought what we built our love on was to strong to fail. I’m sure she gave me a chance I just never seen it. I have so many great memories from our first movie we went to see to irish hollow to just dancing in the living room to people watching downtown. I think she thinks i would’ve never compromised for her shes the only 1 I ever would compromise for.

Today was my 4th day at work out of 7 and I’m beat. I have so much to do still. I’m just hoping I’ll feel better in CA but know I wont. I don’t want to cry anymore I don’t want to hurt anymore but I don’t want to grow hard and never let anyone in. The grass for me was greener with her. I want her to be happy though. I want her to have everything she wants even though thats not me. I can be a big enough man to wish her what I can never have again. True love.

I would apologize but This is my Journal to help me In times of trouble. Its all I have and it can’t judge me. I’ll carry her picture for luck. She’ll always be with me even though she’s miles away. I’m broken but alive. Adapt or die

Thanks for reading my post I love you if you do or don’t just not as much as I love her.

I wish i would’ve followed these simple rules.

The smile that haunts me

3 thoughts on “Take it all back.”

  1. Judah, No long winded reply, just this: no one who knows who he or she is betrays him-/her-self, and this extends to others. It’s called moral compass and self-honesty. Neither can anyone derive happiness in the wake of anyone else’s emotional, intellectual or spiritual grave. It’s against the law of the universe. ✊🏾🙏🏾 wishes for your move West, and that the sheer shock of what happened lessens.


  2. I’ve never understood why two people who once saw something special in each other, loved each other, break up–and now have to hate each other. I’ve always felt if one person isn’t happy, unless you resolve the problem, both of you will never be happy.
    You’ve learned what went wrong, what you took for granted, and what needed to change. You’ve come so close to seeing her, writing to her, almost sending her flowers. Isn’t this the truth that was missing? It’s still missing and will never change unless you take a chance and say and do what’s on your heart.
    It’s said “You only regret the chances you didn’t take.” What have you got to lose? You’re already divorced. You’re back to square one again. What did it take when you first met? Whatever happens, at least you’ll know you did everything you could. You loved each other enough once to get married. First love doesn’t disappear, but sometimes it gets lost. Marriage gets comfortable, becomes routine. You stop sharing. More importantly you stop hearing each other. It’s also said “Actions speak louder than words.” So write the letter and give it to her. Buy the flowers and send them to her. Say how you feel now, before you leave. Maybe it will make a difference. Maybe it won’t. Worst case scenario? You just wanted to let her know (before you leave) that you will always love her, owe her so much, had the best years of your life with her. You’ll always be there for her, and you would give anything for another chance, if she’d consider it. No matter what, you love her enough to want her to be happy. Do this and at least you’ll get it off your heart and be able to move forward without regret.


  3. The catharsis of just writing those letters is incredible. Sometimes it helps just to put your thoughts on paper. Many times I’ve written to past loves, but never delivered the letters. Just the act of getting all my feelings out just helps.

    I know that getting out west will help you get some distance. It’s incredible how the heart can heal when there’s not a chance to run into someone who’s caused you pain. Healing after having your heart broken takes time and distance. Give yourself a break, shit happens. Let yourself mourn, but pick yourself up and allow the healing to happen.


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