Slice of Denial

Denial. It’s a rainy day at the fire department so I’m a little mopey. Be warned. That doesn’t mean I’m not happy. People can feel many emotions all at once. That’s kinda what makes us human. I wanted to broach the subject of my parents whom I love dearly specifically my mom. My mom was diagnosed with the big c last year right before my big d with the ex. I’ve been thinking about it. I just dont understand how she has handled the situation and I’ll never understand unless I have the same problem I guess. Now to me and i will speak for most her loved ones we think shes crazy for not taking care of it. Now everyone reacts differently to each situation so I see her side a little what I dont see is abandoning your kids for the second time and driving to the mountains to basically die. When I die I want to be with my family not up a mountain. When she was diagnosed I was largely optimistic about the doctors being able to take care of it. As I look back I’m sure I was a little bit in denial. You know you think your parents are going to always be there. Well when my brothers were 18 my parents left them for the mountains and now I’m 29 and they left me for the mountains. I get it you are faced with death and you want to feel alive. I want my kids to know my mom. A mom who’s the happiest most loving and joyful mom. Shes different and a lot for some to handle including me some times but shes my mom and I wouldn’t be me without her. So most days you could say I’m in denial the first stage of grief because it’s easy to not confront that fact that my mom is basically out of sight out of mind. Now I couldn’t be happier that shes still alive and she just passed another birthday but I couldn’t  be more worried about one day any day getting the call from my dad that shes gone and what will I do then. I dont and will never understand leaving your kids. I dont have kids but when I do I will never leave them and I will fight to stay on Gods green earth to be with them. My parents were old when they had me and I’m one of 4 and they had 4 miscarriages. They’ve lived and they did a good job raising us. They ran the race now is the time to sit back and watch their kids and grandkids run their races and guide them. So at the end of last year everyone left me this year has been leaps and bounds better. I know you won’t be reading this mom but I’m putting it out there anyways. I love you and although don’t understand you I respect your choice to live how you want. And although you left me I will carry you always in my heart.

As always I love you if you read this or if you dont. Adapt or die


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