365 is just a number

365 is just a label for a year. Humans love putting labels on things. What really defines a year are the day to day moments. The right now,The stolen glances,the babys first steps that one night you stayed up all night talking, The dancing,The food and the family time. When you think of a year like that is hard for me to just reduce it to a number. My 365 has been crazy. So crazy one year ago at this time I was married. I was a sucker and a idiot. So I got divorced, I sold a house, I planned a big move to another state, I got a new job, I dated, i cried, and most days I put on a good face. It didn’t matter nothing I did was going to make me feel ok. I tried and I stayed positive I did about as good as anyone in that position could. For the most part I rocked divorce. But  when you’re in the shower and you can’t tell if you have more tears in the water than actual water. Theres a problem. I had my health but I was alone truly alone for the first time in years. Everyday I got up alone,ate alone, went to work alone,the gym alone etc. Sometimes I’d eat at a bar alone. I’d go on dates to try and not be alone. I went to a few movies by myself. Took a nap in a few movies. It wasn’t  the life I imagined for myself. Especially at 28. It was ok but life shouldn’t just be ok. I went from people in my life in my every day to all of a sudden nobody. I tried playing soccer and going out with work friends or old friends all just temporary fixes which I get people have their own lives. I tried desperately to sell a house so I could move and be with some family which is what I thought I wanted and needed. I always held a candle for my ex though because no matter what happened she was always gonna be the girl that I followed around my highschool halls. You can never have another first love. I always thought I’d move back to California one day till I met her. Maybe you can understand maybe you can’t. I find it kinda funny and I find it kinda sad that it took getting divorced to change my life for the better. To make myself better. I don’t want to be a shell of a person. I dont want to hide myself from the world. I’m crazy. I like to push limits. I love hard and true. Sometimes I talk to myself just to work out a scenario or a thought. I desperately want to help someone. Save some lives pull something or someone out of a fire. I want all the dogs and all the kids. I want to be old and happy. I want to tell my current boss bye bye. I want to find the time to find the time. I want to show her I love her everyday and show everyone else. Envie which in French means to wish to desire. These are some of my desires. A year can change a lot loss of friends and family and also gains of new friends and family. New perspectives. I woke up today and nothing is the same today as yesterday and tomorrow will bring new excitement. In 7 months I’ll be 30. My life at 30 in my head was a white picket fence the woman I love and 2 kids in the yard. Life doesn’t always happen how you want. It does happen exactly how its supposed to though and I believe for the better. I got a lot of work to do in 7 months to hit that dream. I’m no longer worried about that. The only thing I care about is today it’s all we have. Today is a half full day. Today I’m adapting to the many changes. It’s been great having weekends off it’s tough working 5 days in a row and days at the firehouse and all the driving. I could choose to get overwhelmed by it but that’s not me. I’ve had a great year considering. Been to more sporting events then ever. Went to see elvis, went to new Orleans, a bunch of concerts, California once going again soon, Jamaica, it’s been a year full of emotions. More than likely I’ll be in a new home soon. You know me always on the run always trying for stability. Next year at this time I’ll read this and see where I’m at. I’m sure I’ll be a little older and I hope a little wiser and the rest is just a bonus today is a gift don’t take it for granted. Don’t  regret the past and miss out on now.

As always I love you if you read this or if you don’t . Adapt or die. Forgive and never forget.