I was recently thinking of my past year as I drove home from the firehouse last night. Talking to myself as I do from time to time. Using my car as a sounding board. I was thinking where did I go wrong where did I lose myself and kinda phone life in. Where did I lose my girl, my life. Where was the fork in the road. Now this isn’t the first time I thought of this of course. I think when I lost myself I lost my girl. And i think i lost myself 3 to 4 years after high school. At least I started to lose myself the day school got over. Good news first I found myself again and after I found myself I found her. If we aren’t right with ourselves how can we expect to be right with others. If I got something in my eye how can I help my brother get something out of his eye. Now I was home schooled till high school but I always had friends and for the most part I’ve always been on a team. Soccer, track, etc… after high school I wasn’t on a team anymore it was just me. Now who was I what was I gonna do. I told myself i know what i want and im gonna do that. A lot of people at this point in life still didn’t know what the wanted to do. I had it planned because I didn’t want to be like that I didn’t want to not know to waste time. I was so sure of myself that I didn’t give anything else a chance. Side note this isn’t me saying I have regrets or I’d do it differently. I believe I would do it the same given the chance. Only way to learn is do and fail. When you’re a kid you touch something hot and you learn not to do that anymore. The way I’m wired is I need a team I need structure. Chain of command. I would’ve probably joined the army after high school if I didn’t have a girlfriend who I loved. I’m part of a team now where its life or death. Its do or die. We have to have each others backs. I’m not 100 percent in that world yet but what I’ve seen of it is largely what I’ve been missing. The structure of it the physical nature of it. And its rewarding. Not money wise but theres something about helping others that’s just so rewarding. Things are back on track and I’m open to different Paths wherever the road leads me. I went from having it all to having nothing to having even more than I ever had. You know I gave away pieces of myself because I thought they didn’t fit I thought I couldn’t have them I thought I had no time. I know i was never asked to give pieces of myself up. Perspective and priorities are different for me now. I’m still me. It’s such a no brainer now. It clicked. It just clicked. Not that I’m no good at my current position. I’m very good at my job as a mechanic. I’m very good with my hands and fixing things. I’m just not in that anymore. Its given me a good life skill.
”The time has come,’ the Walrus said, To talk of many things:Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax , Of cabbages and kings And why the sea is boiling hot And whether pigs have wings.”
Now is all we have today why worry about before. I’m on track, I’m in love and if I end up doing something I can’t even fathom then it will be exactly where I’m supposed to be. As always I love you for reading or not.
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” Dr Seuss.
Judah wessman 