Maybe I dont know

I dont know anything let’s start there. I don’t have all the answers. pain and sadness come and go. relief and joy come and go. I still fuck up. sometimes I’m selfish sometimes I’m unforgiving sometimes I’m wrong. would I change my life? Do I have regrets? no and for that matter fuck no. I can’t regret the pain and sadness I can’t regret my mistakes my past . I can only be myself it takes time in life to find your way. there is a plan. mistakes were made now move on. the biggest thing that kept me going when I got divorced was adapt or die. it was this blog I was dying to get out dying to get out of a rut that I fell into by mistake. I focused on adapting. I focused on myself. I focused on my goals. my fireman journey. I focused on gwendolyn. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was waiting up in heaven to come down. I never stopped loving my first love. I really appreciated the messages from random people I didn’t even know. encouraging. I believe everything happens for a reason we don’t always know why we aren’t always supposed to know why. as the song says if we all knew God’s plans he wouldn’t be God. no matter the outcome of my life I think I’ve learned what God was trying to teach me. I try not to have blinders on anymore . the past year I’ve learned empathy. I couldn’t feel empathy because I didn’t want to hurt. its funny now that I’m trying to become a fireman I feel more people’s pain. I believe it makes us stronger to feel for those around us not weaker. I believe we were made to feel. to adapt or die. It’s not love if you’re in complete control. love is empathy love is love. love is falling and not worrying about the landing. jump and hope for the best. God knows I’ve fallen. maybe we don’t know and maybe that’s ok. become the person you were meant to be even if that’s already you. if you have to make people love you they don’t deserve your love. what if you are exactly where you should be. what if the love you really need was always there. what if you could look at someone and they say I love you to. what if love was a feeling and not just something we say. what if that hole inside your heart was already full. what if we said how we feel and we were just real with people. what if this life is fucking crazy and you don’t know if you will make it back home when you leave home. I can’t be angry at things i can’t change. I can only hope to change things for the better. I dont want to go in reverse. I’m just a man. sometimes I lose my way. sometimes I get lost still. sometimes I run out of time. I ask God why and he doesn’t always answer. sometimes tears bring peace sometimes all we have is faith that things will get better. I recently was having a bad day and I wrote a blog that was full of stuff like fuck cancer. fuck people that get in the 15 items or less lane with like 30 things. I wrote it and then I felt better sometimes all we need to do is release. we all get down I know that. now when I get down. I try and imagine my little Gwen in a matching dress with her Mom. I imagine teaching her to ride a bike. I imagine her grabbing my thumb with her whole hand. I imagine the fire and passion that she brings me. I cant imagine anything better than having her with the most important lady in this world to me. I can’t see a world where she doesn’t dance on my feet. I can’t imagine a world where we 3 don’t go hand in hand to the zoo. I cant imagine a world without her in it. same as I couldn’t imagine a world without my wife in it. now I dont want to get ahead of myself she isn’t even breathing on her own yet. maybe I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but the possibilities are endless. God already sent me 1 angel just waiting on the second.
As always adapt or die. Love from Chicago if you read this or not.

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