Growing up

Loss,love,fear it’s all part of life. Learning to speak, to eat,to color etc… We learn at a very early age so many things. Sometimes we don’t learn things that we should know until it’s to late till we’ve lost things that we can’t get back. When we are kids we think our parents are dumb when we grow and learn we realize they were right. Shit you mean to tell me that teenage me was wrong . Yes we were wrong but we needed to learn. I’m sure you’ve thrown a temper tantrum and broken things. You’ve probably told your parents at some point I hate you.

Well paybacks a bitch now you are having a kid. I turn 30 today and I always wanted a kid by 30. Nothing like waiting to the last minute. Age is just a number but 30 is a big number. My 20s are over. To each his own I don’t think anywhere it says how your 20s are supposed to go. Mine were interesting. I feel like I went from being a teenager to being 30. Just the past 2 years have felt like 10. And yet when I got devorced time seamed to slow down. Like I could feel every moment. I mostly felt pain. Long slow pain. It’s a miracle I didn’t lose myself. Adversity struck and I rose above it. I told myself I wasn’t gonna let the pain ruin my life. I wasn’t gonna give into that. I was gonna do what I could to achieve my goals. Get that white picket fence with the 2.5 kids and a beautiful wife E. The .5 being a dog not half of a kid. Sometimes your dreams come true but they just look a little different than you thought. I got a 6 foot white fence not a picket fence. I got the dog and one kid on the way. I couldn’t ask for a better birthday gift than my little gwendolyn. I’m scared for her I’m scared I won’t be what she needs in life I’m scared I’ll fail her . For the night is dark and full of terrors.Nothing wrong with some healthy fear to keep you in line. Just a few months and I get to grow a little more . Getting ready how do I get ready? No I’m really asking. Is it just instinct. I’m damaged we all are how do I keep my daughter from being damaged. I guess a little damage is part of growing up. Crawl ,walk and then run. And if shes anything like me she’ll be running before we know it. I don’t want here to never make mistakes. I want her to fail. Most of all I want her to try. I want her to get up when she fails and try again. I want to make a strong, independent and kind woman just like her mama. How? I’m me because of experiences in my life. You’re you because you failed and tried again. Now I watch game of thrones like most do. I know it’s not real but it’s got some great life lessons that we could all learn. They put a lot of power in a name. Your family’s name means a lot. Back in the day we didn’t have credit scores we had our name. I want people to think when the hear the Wessman name honor and kindness. My name means a lot to me. I was recently thinking of the fact that I don’t really care about personal space and I just say what I’m thinking. I think it is because growing up I’ve lived in cars, in hotels, in garages, with other families, I’ve shared rooms. There is no personal space for me I will look through your stuff. I will say what I think. That must be why. I’m rarely uncomfortable. Don’t play the uncomfortable game with me I’ll win. It’s all part of my upbringing. I love who I am and how I was brought up that being said I’m going to be a rock for my little gwen she will grow up with her own room with her own space and most importantly lots of love. I’ve had dreams that never happened I’ve had roads not traveled but I’m where I’m supposed to be strong enough for that little girl. We did a touch a truck at the elementary school last night and it was awesome so many little kids so excited to sit in the firetruck. Some kids asking all the questions you know what’s this what’s that. They were smiles from ear to ear. Some just stared in awe. There were these 2 twin boys whith starwars shirts and you could tell to them this was the coolest thing they’ve ever seen. I don’t remember that. I don’t remember feeling that way I’m sure I did when I was a kid. It’s all part of growing up we learn new things and forget old.I know I’m all over the place but my words are raw and honest. from Saturday morning cartoons. To the first day of school, to your first kiss and to your last each of these moments are made better by the last and today each have led me to the door that’s got my little girl behind it and on this side of the door theres nothing but love. she doesn’t know it yet but one day she will.